Topic: Work catchphrases

My first editor, Tony Stewart at Sounds, was new to the post, went over from NME and hired some young upstarts to change a few things. This didn't go down to well with the old guard who thought Tony was a bit cold towards them. He came out with this cracker one day "If I want to make friends I'll join a fucking country club."

Best lines or catch phrases you've heard at work.....

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Re: Work catchphrases

My old boss when his deputy disagreed with him. "Sorry, I'm going to have to chief you out here." I use that all the time now.

"Whole new breed of cunt."

The young'uns here call the pub 'the juice bar.'

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Re: Work catchphrases

Bloke in charge of our cold store insulating gang, when faced with a cock up would sit down, roll a joint and say "I don't know how we're gonna get out of this one, but we fucking well are"

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Re: Work catchphrases

I started one at our place - used to be based near the inputters who have little interest in their job, they'd put MTV on whilst working - i'd chirp up 'it's not a bloody discotheque yer know'.

The young lasses would berate me for using an old fashioned word like discotheque.

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Re: Work catchphrases

Nearly every boss I've ever know has been a prize cock end. Comes with having a bit of power.
What's that John Boy Walton saying again? No one ever got any nicer from being in charge...a lot of truth in that.

When I was at Hoover though I had this one boss who was great. Looked after you. MADE you put expenses in.
He was a great guy.
He was popular, good, intelligent but very un-boss like.
In that he didn't give a fuck about the company (used to say...it'll still be here tomorrow regardless of you...and he was right) and I remember he left to go around the world on a motor bike.
He's still in Oz.

Anyway, I was there one day and one of the other people working in our group used to be one of those silly cunts who thought that starting at 8am and finishing at 9pm was the way to get ahead.

He'd also do that 'hurumph' thing if you left to go home before 6pm to do things like eat or meet a woman.
We all know the type.

One day he was there and the boss said to him...'Mate, why don't you slip off with us to watch the footy at the pub.  Come on do you good'.

Our boss was younger than the guy (mid 20's looking back..I was 19)...but the guy went...'No couldn't possibly GOT to get this done'.

To which he replied...'Listen mate, one day, hopefully many years from now, you'll be lying on your death bed and I guarantee you wont think...d'yer know I'm REALLY gald I did those few extra hours and didn't go to the pub to watch the football...now come on!!'.

Always stuck with me that...
There should be more bosses like him.

'Never ever forget what the Tories did to us in Wales...they are lower than vermin' Nye Bevan.

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Re: Work catchphrases

Years ago started at a new set up manufacturing company. One of the lads called from the trade counter down at BSS to say we didnt have enough credit so no goods could be released.

The boss just told the lad to tell them behind the trade counter " Dont make money your god"

We got the parts

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Re: Work catchphrases

Bloke I used to work with had a stock answer for the question 'what did you do at the weekend?'

"I minded my own fucking business."

I still miss him.

Last edited by The Last Waltz (Fri 02 Jul 2010 9:43 am)

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Re: Work catchphrases

john charles is god wrote:

Nearly every boss I've ever know has been a prize cock end. Comes with having a bit of power.
What's that John Boy Walton saying again? No one ever got any nicer from being in charge...a lot of truth in that.

When I was at Hoover though I had this one boss who was great. Looked after you. MADE you put expenses in.
He was a great guy.
He was popular, good, intelligent but very un-boss like.
In that he didn't give a fuck about the company (used to say...it'll still be here tomorrow regardless of you...and he was right) and I remember he left to go around the world on a motor bike.
He's still in Oz.

Anyway, I was there one day and one of the other people working in our group used to be one of those silly cunts who thought that starting at 8am and finishing at 9pm was the way to get ahead.

He'd also do that 'hurumph' thing if you left to go home before 6pm to do things like eat or meet a woman.
We all know the type.

One day he was there and the boss said to him...'Mate, why don't you slip off with us to watch the footy at the pub.  Come on do you good'.

Our boss was younger than the guy (mid 20's looking back..I was 19)...but the guy went...'No couldn't possibly GOT to get this done'.

To which he replied...'Listen mate, one day, hopefully many years from now, you'll be lying on your death bed and I guarantee you wont think...d'yer know I'm REALLY gald I did those few extra hours and didn't go to the pub to watch the football...now come on!!'.

Always stuck with me that...
There should be more bosses like him.

I worked in Horsham many years back and there was this one guy.  A middle ranking underwriter, similar level to me at the time.  He would routinely work over until up to ten o'clock and role into the pub next door to the office where we would be roaring drunk by this time.  His boss,  a mate of mine from Sheffield who has sadly since passed on, (RIP Trev if you are listening), ripped into him one night suggesting he must be doing fuck all during the day to warrant him staying this late and he did not want to see him doing it again.  I have never understood people who do that, especially those with families as it's borderline cruel.

Last edited by Reggie Perrin (Fri 02 Jul 2010 10:23 am)

I'd offer you a beer, but I've only got six cans.

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Re: Work catchphrases

Production line at Terrys in York. At least once an hour, Jabba the hut superviser's mantra: "You're not at fucking Butlins!"  Its a miracle nobody killed her.

There is no such joy in the tavern as upon the road thereto.

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Re: Work catchphrases

Lad I used to work with would pick up random piece of paper from your desk, roll it into a tube, look through it telescope style and say "I see no ships... only hardships".

Also used to answer the question:- what are you having for brekkie/dinner/tea? with "Tadpole Tits on Toast washed down with a runny egg".

The mentalist.

Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity

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Re: Work catchphrases

A few Colins round here.... big_smile
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWdRWD8u … re=related

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Re: Work catchphrases

Ex boss of mine, fully resplendant with an MBA, used to come out with some right beauts. Favourite one was 'no such thing as problems, only opportunities that have yet to be realised'. roll

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Re: Work catchphrases

I remember working for this bloke and everything went t*ts up one night. I had added to the general calamity and went up and apologised for my role in it. He responded with a very backhanded compliment of "Don't worry, it was f**ked before you f**ked it."

It stuck with me that did. He was pretty sound mind.

Re: Work catchphrases

There's no I in team.

(No, but there's a u in cunt).

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.

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Re: Work catchphrases

I'm remembering more stuff he did now! ha.

Often on a Friday afternoon we'd go to the pub for lunch. We very rarely made it back.
We'd go to the pub have a meal, get drunk, play pool...there was this great juke box at a pub near Hoovers called the 'Richards Arms'.

And the song he'd always whack on was 'Band of Gold' Freda Payne...he'd get them to turn it up super loud. And play the fuzz guitar bit with the cue. Proper getting into it.
He'd shout...'Right, whack Freda on!'

He had this girlfriend who was mad as him...she used to be a drummer! haha. Aye, straight up. She was bang into Joan and the Jetts..mentalists.
I always used to think...I want a girl like that when I'm older. She used to pick him up from the pub and he'd be pissed. We all were.
We all lived local so it was no hasstle to leave the car in work.

Anyway, months later there was this massive job needed doing in London. All weekend over a bank holiday.
They needed loads but no one fancied it except our department.
Because he just asked us all.
Said one Tuesday morning..'Big job in London, they are looking for volunteers to go to London. It's 48 hour job over a BH. If you don't fancy it I understand...but I'm gonna do it and any of you fancy doing it with me then I'd appreciate it, like I said, if not then no worries lads'.

And have a guess what? Not one person in the department didn't go.

And the best bit none of the bosses of the other depts could understand how he got everyone to volunteer to do a BH job straight through..

They were fuckin clueless in comparison...as me ma' always says...a spoonful of sugar rather than vinegar to get people to help is always the best way.

'Never ever forget what the Tories did to us in Wales...they are lower than vermin' Nye Bevan.

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Re: Work catchphrases

Misura wrote:

Ex boss of mine, fully resplendant with an MBA, used to come out with some right beauts. Favourite one was 'no such thing as problems, only opportunities that have yet to be realised'. roll

Former ex-public school twat of a managing sales director I once worked under tried to preach a similar mantra - "... we don't have problems at this company, we have situations and should never use the word problem when speaking to customers ..."

About a year later we had a "situation" vacant for a managing sales director after a "situation" involving the purchase of items for his home to the value of several thousands of pounds on his company credit card submitted as expenses was uncovered. This was no doubt classsified as "a genuine mistake" rather than "being a greedy, thieving cunt"

The funniest line I ever heard was this genuine Colemanballs from another director when in a wage-negotiation meeting ...

"******** Publishing might be giving us that schizophrenia title to produce but the managing editor's in two minds about it at the moment ..."

"... as I was only saying to Duncan Revie on the phone the other night, it all ultimately hinges around the price structure of chicken and mushroom pie, chips and gravy in a tray as to whether Ken Bates will consider selling ..." - anonymous

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Re: Work catchphrases

The Last Waltz wrote:

Bloke I used to work with had a stock answer for the question 'what did you do at the weekend?'

"I minded my own fucking business."

lol

With gold and silver, I did support her, but I'll sing no more, till I get a drink.

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Re: Work catchphrases

That is classic LW.

Reminded me of a bloke I used to work with - going off at a bit of a tangent mind - who I got on with fine bot some of the others hated. He didn't want to know your business and he didn't want you to know his. One day this real nosey new cunt's asking him loads of questions, wher'ed you live, are you married etc... I can see him getting madder and madder. Bloke goes what's your apartment like. Marty goes have you ever been in prison.

He was the day time doorman for a while. His days off Monday and Tuesday. This rich family in the building sent their kid off to summer camp, spoilt fucker didn't want to go. He goets up to the Adirondacks late Friday night, he's back in Manhattan Sunday. All the doormen etc are laughing like fuck about it. Marty gets into work Wednesday morning, first people he sees are the parents. He don't give a shit if their kids grown three heads, married Liv Tyler or joined a Buddhist Monistry if the truths know but he's old and polite so he asks how juniors liking camp. The mother goes off on him and starts raging in the street, the farther whos about Mart's age says quietly, that wasn't very nice Peter didn't like it he came back on Sunday. Matr's pissed but keeps it in. He smiles and says, I wanted to come home from camp too when I was young - the parents calm down a bit and listen up. I'm fixing a light over a doorway and have heard most of it but I know this is going to be good - he continues, but General Westmorland wouldn't let me. Westmorland kept the troops in Vietnam longer than most thought neccessary apparentley. I didn't know that at the time but these people did.

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Re: Work catchphrases

When talking about prostitutes in a call centre job this enthusiastic new girl (whose biff I saw a few weeks later, but that's another story) became quite offended when someone jokingly suggested she'd make a good hooker.

"Excuse me!" she ranted "If I was a prostitute I would be a high class prostitute". All said in the commonest of muckiest Stockport accent.

Another time this absolute weapon came on my shift. He was a bit of a rich kid. He had a face like one of those Japanese cartoons. He once told me quite straight-faced that "Roy Keane got game" and had this mega-annoying way of attracting your attention. He's just go "Oi". Proper spoilt little cunt he was.

He got sacked for distributing inappropriate material via email. 9 of us got pulled but somehow he ended up the scapegoat. That's what happens when you roll up paper, throw it into the bin and go "Score!". Wanker.

One phrase that sticks with me from our mild mannered Scottish (female) boss at the time was "Cool your jets".

There was also a Ghanaian woman called Caroline whose sense of humour wasn't quite on the wavelength of wind ups and sarcasm etc. She'd often tut and just go "As for you...."

Great days.

Last edited by someoneelse (Sat 03 Jul 2010 3:22 am)

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Re: Work catchphrases

I worked in IT at Vallances the old electrical retailer - Martin Vallance was knobbing his secretary and this caused him a messy divorce. His brother Julian came out with a cracking piece of advice - 'Don't poke the payroll'

Only those who dream will someday see their dreams converted to reality

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Re: Work catchphrases

Our sage Irish office cleaner's words of advice on shagging someone who you worked with and being upset by the resultant gossip.

"You shouldn't shit on your own doorstep, luvvie."

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Re: Work catchphrases

An office favourite.

He/she's a PLC.

Premier League Cunt.

Edited to add - girl in Finance who likes a cake.....

FD makes a strangled spitting noise from his office - holds up an offending apple with half a maggot in it.

Girl (dead casual) spins round in her chair and deadpans - 'You don't get that with a Mars Bar'!

Last edited by ptitch (Sat 03 Jul 2010 9:46 am)

Sliding tackle. Intended.

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Re: Work catchphrases

The best boss I ever had was often heard saying "I've got a brain the size of a planet - what the fuck am I doing working for these idiots?". They eventually sacked him.

Also once heard a programmer responding to critisism from a customer by saying "I can make it fool-proof but I can't make it cunt-proof"

We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope

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Re: Work catchphrases

Harvest wrote:

There's no I in team.

(No, but there's a u in cunt).

No I in team...........but theres a me

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Re: Work catchphrases

Shit or get off the pot.
He loves hard work. He could lie down and sleep right next to it.
He never did anything wrong because he never did anything.
CWA kid. Cover Your Arse.
I don't know, I just work here.
Ask someone who gives a fuck.

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