The OMJ Medical Adviser

MickMcCann

Inspired by the Ill thread here's the place for you to post your ailments and the medical practitioners on OMJ can give you an expert diagnosis and specialist treatment.For example Womble PM'd me about his genital warts so I mailed him a scalpel, a bit messy but at least he managed to get some pain killers from A&E and it takes his mind off his herpes.

MickMcCann

Womble wrote:They've come back Mick.

OK hold tight I'll PM you the concentrated sulphuric acid, just apply liberally 7 times an hour.

MickMcCann

Womble wrote:My bogies have blood in. Is this normal?

Sounds like a ruptured lung to me you need to flush it out.Using the funnel that I sent you for the concrete rectal treatment that KW pictured on the Ill thread, attach a length of garden hose to the end. You need to force the tube down your throat ensuring that it goes to the lungs and not the stomach, disolve seven table spoons of sea-salt in 200ml of water and pour down the funnel directly into lungs. That should sort it.

follow

I approve of this method of diagnosis.

My uncle Al used to write the weekly 'ask the doctor' column in the Sunday Post, armed only with book of common ailments and dr spock's baby and child book.
no medical training whatsoever.

To my knowledge in 20 years, noone ever sued him.

heyho

Get on the internet and Google any ailment.

Time you've finished reading about the symptons you'll have diagnosed that you are riddled with cancer and have only hours to live. However there will always be some natural herbal remedy that will be able to cure it.

heyho

Womble wrote:I've got a pain just there*points*

I've just Googled it. Turns out it's cancer I'm afraid BUT these herbal tablets will cure it.

follow

*flicks through life insurance policy and is relieved to find death from cancer is covered*

thewrongimpression

follow wrote:I approve of this method of diagnosis.My uncle Al used to write the weekly 'ask the doctor' column in the Sunday Post, armed only with book of common ailments and dr spock's baby and child book. no medical training whatsoever.To my knowledge in 20 years, noone ever sued him.

They probably all died. I admire that, perhaps he was like a kind of long range Shipman

follow

thewrongimpression wrote:
follow wrote:I approve of this method of diagnosis.My uncle Al used to write the weekly 'ask the doctor' column in the Sunday Post, armed only with book of common ailments and dr spock's baby and child book. no medical training whatsoever.To my knowledge in 20 years, noone ever sued him.
They probably all died. I admire that, perhaps he was like a kind of long range Shipman

What fantastic notion - perhaps some investigative journalist type should go up and see if they can idenitfy some of his victims.though this may be a fruitless errand as I fear he made up quite a few of the letters himself.Well most of them.Maybe all of them.

cska

Womble wrote:It also hurts when i do this.*Does thing*

Pretty obvious, don't do it again

space

My sciatica flaired up last weekend for the first time in 9 years. It was so bad myleft leg was paralysed and I couldn’t move for the pain. I ended lying on the floor for 3 hours until my wife finished her shift and came home.

My Plummer Terrier knew there was something really wrong with me and she did the whole His Master’ Voice thing by lying across my chest for the whole three hours I was stuck. When the wife came home and tried to move me the dog gave her a warning growl.

That is a well trained loyal dog.

Misura

space The dog was getting first dibs in for your face if you died. Cheeks are very tender.

heyho

Speaking of which the other day our 7 year old very well behaved springer spaniel attacked me. He latched onto my ear and nearly ripped it off. Result: a nice tear through the ear and the same behind it and a gaping wound on my thumb as i rescued my ear. Most disconcerting when, as blood poured down my neck and my daughter is screaming, the dog is chewing something.

A bit of TCP dabbed on the wounds and 10 days later they are healing well although the thumb is numb.

My A&E consultant colleague said it should have been stitched. Oh well just a flesh wound

space

heyho My Border Collie has gone for me once before when I was play fighting my grandson. She must have thought I was serious. It protects him like nobodies business. Which is strange because hes always dragging it around by its ears or riding it like a horse.

Jon

heyho I got hit under my eye once with a hammer, no blood but it cut clean down to the bone. My Ma, a nurse, reckoned I needed stitches. I never bothered. There’s not even a scar.

Mitaman

Jon I’m guessing that wasn’t while you were sat in the Dentists waiting room.

CharlieG

MrsG just called me, at work. I have a letter from the hospital. Told her to open it, expecting my routine pre-operative assessment to be cancelled. Oh, no, can I get there by 3pm, today.? No, I fucking can’t. The hospital is in Carlisle, I’m in Keswick , at work, we’re doing interviews, this afternoon and will, therefore be short staffed.
The letter was dated 10/3 - why didn’t they fucking ring me on the 10th, the useless cunts?

heyho

CharlieG Remember I work in a hospital so when my dad starting having tests for his bowel issues and we didnt hear anything I just told him ‘dont worry they are really busy’. 2.5 weeks after his endoscopy my daughter took it upon herself to phone up asking where the fuck was his follow up appointment. Apparently there was some mutterings and the usual excuses brandished around. An hour later he had is appointment the next day.

I wont go into the outcome of THAT appointment!

CharlieG

Pre op assessment now on Monday. MrsG played a blinder, using her best Medical Secretary contrariness.
The op is, apparently, scheduled for the 30th, hence the rush.
Really looking forward to having my left leg broken in two places and all the attendant metal work. 😬

CharlieG

To put things into context, I’ve been waiting since last April for this operation. The 30th of March is pretty close to their 12 month deadline.

heyho

CharlieG is it an NHS Acute Trust you are having it done at. Be warned if good old Covid-19 steps up then they will be using theatre areas as ICU wards and cutting back on ‘non essential’ surgery (and yes I know it’s essential to you).

I’d keep an eye out for announcements. Sorry to be the barer of bad news. Hope it goes ahead.