Very nearly caved just before Xmas. It was something very stupid. Some TV chef was preparing festive cocktails and they all had a Snowball in the studio. Merry Xmas! They all raised their glasses and cheered and this overwhelming sense of injustice suddenly reared up inside of me - why can't I have a Snowball? It's Christmas, every other cunt is having a Snowball, am I excluded from even this tiny scrap of trivial joy?
I don't even fucking like Snowballs.
Anyway, I got really ill the next day with that horrible Covid / Flu Mash Up and couldn't eat or drink hardly anything for a week or so. Now more or less recovered, and that craving feeling has passed.
Boredom is a big problem though. The weed does fill a gap, as does writing, and if it wasn't for those two things I would have probably caved a while ago. I hope not, but the only way I can cope with this is by being a 100% realistic about it. I was a functioning alcoholic, no two ways about it. I stayed dry for two years before, thought I'd cracked it and then had just the one, cos I didn't want to be scared of alcohol, I wanted to be in control of it. I'm not, and I don't think I can be. That first drink went down like an extra in a cheap Western, followed by another and another and another. It was like someone had fired a starting pistol and I found myself hurtling around the track again, no brakes. I can't do moderation when it comes to the sauce. I can with other things, including, ganja, but drink is my achilles heel.
I've recently got into mushrooms again, just a couple of grams every so often, and that helps too. I wish I could live without any form of mental or spiritual crutch, but we're just humans aren't we? All things considered, I'm getting a lot more pluses than minuses with an alcohol-free life. I do envy those who can have one or two and then have a rest, but I have to tell myself the truth or I'll end up fucked. I know I will.