lebowski
[b]Right you lot, some of you will have seen this story before on another site, it happened to me nearly two years ago. But its worth repeating just in case any of you ever think about going out walking without the right equipment............[/b]
Ok, I know that this might lower the tone of the board but thought I'd tell you about my little 'Adventure' on Tuesday night. I have to say that if there are any ladies reading this they may want to look away now. Otherwise my stock with the fairer sex will crash to an all time low.
I will have been married 25 years this October and many people who know me and my wife marvel at the fact that we have stayed together for so long, in our younger years we were both quite volatile and consequently used to have regular marital arguments, often over the most trivial things. We don't argue very much at all these days and have learned the art of compromise a little...
Anyway, on Tuesday night we went into Leeds to celebrate my daughters birthday, we met her boyfriend and also our son, went and had a few pots in the Palace and followed this up with a meal at Akhbars on Eastgate.
The meal was delicious by the way and afterwards we dropped the offspring at various points around Leeds and ended up in the city centre, My Wife was driving which is a rarity at night these days , ever since she had laser eye surgery a few years ago she has always said that driving on a night time is more difficult because she gets ‘reflections’, the crafty girl.
So here we were driving around Leeds City centre and I have to admit that my tongue had been loosened by a few bevvies, after we had missed the sixth obvious turning for our route home and were heading off around the loop road for a third time I thought I might break my brooding silence and venture a helpful comment along the lines of ‘Where the bloody hell are you going ? You’ve lived in Leeds all of your life and still don’t know your way home”
At which the reply was “ Do you want to drive ? If not be quiet “
This was red rag to a drunken bull and yet another turn off that would take us the right way was blissfully missed.
So I thought I would helpfully ask another “ Where the hell are you going ? For christs sake !“
The reply was “ I’m going the way I know, if you don’t like it, get out “
So what did I do ?
ME “ Stop the car !”
MRS LEB “ Don’t be stupid, where are you going ?”
ME “ I’m walking, Stop the car “
MRS LEB “ Don’t be so bloody stupid “
ME “ I Mean it stop the car”
Something at the back of my mind told me I was being very foolish but the devil in me drove me on… Mrs Lebowski screeched the car to a halt, I grabbed my jacket got out of the car and walked off, I never looked back.
So the time on my mobile says its 11.50pm, I’m at the bottom of East Street and I’m 17 miles from home in Pontefract, no problem thinks I, I have a load of cash in my wallet, I’ll walk for 10 minutes and flag a taxi down.
Ah yes, my wallet, I checked my pockets for it and remembered that I had put it in the central pocket of the car when I had got in, I had a tenner plus change in my pocket and that wasn’t going to get me anywhere near home.
‘Fuck it’ Thinks I in my alcohol soaked stupidity I’ll get a bit nearer home first, so I set off walking, past east End Park, past the Fruit and Veg Market on Pontefract Lane, past the Car Auctions fully lit and abandoned, like an East Leeds Marie Celeste.
At the back of my mind I’m thinking, she’ll take pity on me and ring me, but I’m not ringing her, no chance. My phone remained silent.
So I eventually reach Temple Newsam, By this time my feet are starting to get a bit sore, I have my brown slip on shoes on and they’re comfortable but not really made for long distance walks, my feet could feel every pebble through the thin plastic soles.
I end up on a bridlepath, newly built alongside the new link road from the A1/M1 link into East Leeds, at least the soft stuff they’d put down for horses was a bit easier on my feet, I realise that at this point I’ve made a misjudgement, I’ve tried to walk as the crow flies but I’m now faced with an even longer detour either through Swillington or Oulton, I’m supposed to be working the next morning and it is now 12.45 am. Add to this my stomach is starting to show some very worrying signs that the curry I have just eaten may be making unusually rapid progress through my digestive system. I’m a long way from anywhere and have only the company of a few Eddie Stobart wagons flying past me on the link road, and I’m not an Eddie spotter.
Anyway, I come up with a plan, first of all get across that motorway as the path I’m on has started to take me further away, back towards Temple Newsham, first I have to navigate an embankment to get up there, not the easiest task on a wet grassy incline in totally treadless plastic soles. By the time I reached the top I’m starting to look like one of those ‘It’s a knockout contestants Stewart Hall used to love laughing at, my jeans are now resplendent with grass and mud stains. Once at the summit I stagger across the empty motorway like an extra out of ‘28 days later’, starting to limp a bit and wince every time I placed my feet down, and climbing over the fence at the other side like a geriatric.
OK, where to now ? Past the tip at Newsam Green and the Vineyard down to the A642 at Woodlesford Bridge I staggered on through the pitch black night, occasionally scaring large birds out of nearby trees and bushes and scaring myself at the same time. I am beginning to feel very tired and weary.
So I reach the bridge across the river Aire at Woodlesford, I can go left , up the hill to Swillington or right to Oulton, neither way seemed appealing but those were my only two options, or were they ? Across the bridge I see a sign pointing into the woods saying ‘Leeds Country Way’ , I knew there was a path alongside the River Aire, I’d seen it from the train, that must be it, the River Aire goes to Castleford and I could easily get a taxi for a tenner from there, not thinking at all about having no light and the number of miles Castleford was from there, this had become a challenge.
So I set off into the woods, feet throbbing and belly griping, dehydrated and half drunk, the time is now 1.45 am.
I reach some sort of oil refinery which I now realise is on Fleet Lane, having subsequently traced my route on Google maps, I’m a long way from civilisation and I realise that if I don’t do something very soon I’m going to shit myself. I really don’t want to soil my jeans do I so I creep off into the bushes and end up bollock naked from the waist down and having to jettison my undies which have been substituted for toilet paper. Whilst squatting there I’m thinking, what if the police come along now, my family will be shamed and I’ll end up in court ‘ Naked man stalks bridleway by night ‘ read the headlines.
I hurriedly put my jeans back on, feeling the liberation of going commando and the relief of having avoided a nasty accident and off I trundle, I’m starting to get some very large blisters on the bottom of my feet and I’m letting out a little self pitying yelp every now and again , I’m starting to make Paulie Walnuts adventure in the Pine Barrens look like a walk on the beach.
After another mile or so I realise that there is water on both sides of me, I have no option but to carry on and my stomach is griping again, anyway to spare you the horrible details , several shits later I have also had the new experience of wiping my arse with a stinging nettle which I had thought was long grass, I am in bits, even if I had wanted to ring the wife for help I didn’t know where the fuck I was. The feeling of relief when I finally got an escape route to Allerton Bywater was immense. It started to rain.
I am feeling rather sorry for myself when I finally arrive at the taxi office in Castleford at 4.45am. A rather shocked looking lass says a taxi will be there shortly.
The taxi soon arrives and I get in the front passenger seat, walking like John Wayne, soaked and a ringpiece like a blood orange.
Taxi Driver : Had a few beers last night mate ?
Me ‘ Yeah, One or two’
Taxi Driver ‘ Where did you go, round Cas like ?’
Me ‘No, Leeds actually’
TD ‘ You not working today then ?’
Me ‘Yes’
Silence followed for the remainder of the trip, when I finally got home at 5.15 am my dearest wife was happily tucked up and fast asleep in bed, not a care in the world.
And the moral of this story is, if you’re going to let her drive, just keep your mouth shut, it isn’t worth it.
